A Reader Asks:
What should I do when my toddler child says, “I don’t like you?” She only does this to me. She even tells my husband that she likes him better than me. She’s only three. I don’t know what to do…
Kids don’t care if it hurts or not. They’re honest unless they learn not to be.
Your daughter is giving you important information. She’s probably telling you that something you’re doing isn’t working. I’d guess that she wants more choices and more personal power. That’s common.
Then again, if she seems to want to hurt your feelings (which it sounds a bit like to me) then you may be dealing with something entirely more complicated I’ll discuss at the end of this.
May I suggest the perfect answer to that?
“I hear you. Thank you for your honesty. You don’t have to like me or even love me. I’m just asking you to honor my requests.”
If she says “I hate you,” this works really well, too.
Set the timer and say, “How long do you want to hate me, 3 minutes or 5 minutes?” and set the timer. Come back when it dings and say, “Do you need more time to hate me or are you ready to play a game (or whatever she likes to do)?” Hold the timer ready to turn it to the time she chooses.
And you may want to start teaching her how to do some things on her own. Fold washcloths. Fold her underwear and socks. As much as she wants to learn how to do.
Three year olds can do a lot more than we give them credit for. Teach her little things throughout the day and let her try them. For example, how to get crackers from the pantry. How to spread peanut butter on crackers. How to get up on a stepstool to pour water from the sink. How to feed the dog. How to water plants with the water hose.
And start giving her at least 21 choices a day.
And spend time sitting with her without talking unless she asks you something. Just watching her. Letting her show you how she does things. What she talks about without any prompting.
One more thing. Try talking in short sentences, no more than two at a time, for a few days and see what happens.
This wedging herself between you and your other loved ones is a common complaint of parents raising kids that later test for having ADHD. She may be telling you that you don’t understand her needs and preferences of having it.
She may be trying to pay you back for that (I’m sorry to even plant the idea but you instinctively know if this hits home.)
It may not be a phase at all. My son (with ADHD and ODD) started this when he was two, seemingly out of nowhere and only to me. It really hurt me until I knew what was going on.
I’m not diagnosing or assessing, only suggesting that you keep alert for the signs.
I’ll be posting those soon.
I hope that helps. And please let me know if you have more questions.
Sincerely yours in parenting success,
Debra Sale Wendler
ADHD Parenting Tips
Tags: adhd, add, adhd odd, odd, oppositional defiant disorder, attention deficit disorder, pdd-nos, asperger's syndrome, aspergers, defiant, defiance, child behavior, behavior problems, child behavior problems, school problems, problem student, school behavior, children hitting, children biting, angry children, toilet training, potty training, social skills, social skills training, play therapy, therapy, adhd treatment, add treatment, odd treatment, angry child, child anger
